So, our conclusion? What are the specifications of our Goldilocks camper?
Well, Goldilocks and the Three Bears is a children's tale. Right? And like most children's tales and nursery rhymes, it's a way of getting a moral message across whilst couching the point in verbal diarrhoea. How children are supposed to work out the point, is a mystery.
Three blind mice. Three blind mice.
See how they run. See how they run.
They all ran after the farmer's wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,
Did you ever see such a sight in your life,
As three blind mice?
Charming. And one possible origin is the execution by Queen Mary I of England of several bishops, after blinding them first. What message are we trying to pass to children?
Anyhoo. My point is [ed: there is one?], children's tales may or may not be true. Or at least not accurate. A bit like the first four parts of this guide to our Goldilocks motorhome. Yes: it's entirely possible that I just wasted hours of your life. No matter. There were some good slices of wisdom amongst the manure. All we had to do, like Hansel and Gretel, was follow the breadcrumbs, so to speak... [ed: yeah, nice job doing that]. But we'll come back to the result.
Length 5-8 m (less is more)
Width around 2.1 - 2.3 m
Height approx. 3 m
Weight 2.5 - 5 t
Ground clearance 20 - 25 cm
Approach/departure angles approx. 20 deg
Reliable and widely available manufacturer and model
Heavy duty chassis
4 wheel drive, selectable (if possible)
Comfortable driving cab with good visibility
Kitchen area, permanent bed, compact seating area, bathroom with cassette or black tank toilet (preferably with shower)
So this is the result of our epic search. A demountable camper on a Toyota Hilux.
Some of the more observant amongst you, may notice something hanging off the back, so to speak. Yeah, well: you can do all the research you like, collect all the specifications - but if you don't actually check the precise technical statistics, you may - like us - be in for a less than pleasant surprise.
But first the good parts: are we within specifications? Help me out here, please: